It occurred to me then, as it has so MANY other times in my life of corsetry, that women are idiots about their bodies. I'm firmly convinced that the only way any of us are happy is if we are actively UNHAPPY with every single thing about ourselves. The anger, frustration, guilt, and discontent somehow seem like better avenues than gratitude, kindness, and acceptance. Here's me, being annoyed that I can't just have a flat tummy and perfect full round breasts. I wonder what exciting new flaws I would find if I DID happen to have my breasts from pregnancy and my very average size tummy from months of eating romaine lettuce and 3 oz. portions of grilled chicken (served with a generous helping of bitterness and depression). Surely, I would have to move on to some other portion of my body and spend all day, every day calling it names and criticizing it!
So, there's that question. If you DID make every single change you wanted to make to your body (you know exactly what I'm talking about), would you truly be able to look in the mirror and not find fault with ANYTHING? I'm not saying it's impossible, but I meet lots of different sizes and shapes of women, and it's about 1 out of 100 that have a SINGLE positive thing to say about themselves. I understand the defense mechanism mode......"If I just state outright that I'm fat, maybe this person won't point it out for me." I understand the way we've all been brainwashed by the clothing industry. "This is my size, and my number. They are bad and I should feel ashamed, especially if that number goes up." Is any of this negativity and self-flagellation actually doing any good? Do you feel like a prettier woman when you shred your body to pieces with insults? I sure as heck don't.
Take a moment, step out of the shower, look at the body you've been given, and silence every single thing that is negative. I know it's an uphill battle, but just give it a shot. I'll do the same, and maybe we can find satisfaction in...satisfaction.
I lost roughly 40 pounds due to intense self-hate and what was likely anorexia (that I still struggle with). Losing the weight didn't help me self-image; in fact, it made it worse. I felt like a failure for not being able to live up to the absolutely impossible standard I set for myself. An impossible standard from 19 years of every media avenue telling me that I'm not good enough. I still feel jealous of people whose bodies (I think) look better than mine, but I've also come to realise that I never would be able to look like that (primarily because of bone structure and genetics). That's better than where I was three years ago.
ReplyDeleteI think more people have positive things to say about themselves than it appears. They don't say them because they are afraid of being judged for the OTHER reason, for thinking they are superior and "perfect". It goes both ways.
ReplyDeleteI recently underwent bypass surgery, mainly for health reasons though I can't say my looks and that number weren't in my head at all. I have lost over 70 lbs in the last 8 months and I feel great overall. I also stand in front of that mirror every morning after my shower and notice the sagging skin and the areas I still have to lose, but I also notice my collar bone is visible, I have a jaw line and some muscle building up in my arms and shoulders. We always have to take the good and the bad. I won't beat myself up for having negative thoughts but I do try to counter them with positive ones. Lately I have more positive than negative.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the "anonymous" above-- I have plenty of positive things to say about myself, but I worry that if I say them, I'll be called vain -- or worse, have someone contradict me. "I have really pretty eyes," I say, only to hear in return, "I mean, I guess, but they're only brown," sneered like the speaker can't believe I would possibly sit here telling the world how awesomely pretty I am. I've done modeling, and when I tell people this, I immediately qualify it with, "in alternative styles-- you know: goth, steampunk, renaissance," because they give me this incredulous look like, "who wants to see YOU on a runway??" I am personally of the opinion that most women have a pretty balanced view of themselves-- for every one thing we don't like, there's typically something we do. But we're afraid to say the things we do like because of the judgement we receive in response.
ReplyDeleteWow! I agree with you Arreyn, I happen to be pretty happy about my looks. I think I have pretty eyes, but I have never said those words aloud. My face is kind of weird, sometimes I think I'm stunning, sometimes I want to hind under a rock, but it's MY face and I wouldn't trade it. I was teased mercilessly in junior high and high school about my teeth (I got braces) and my "flat" chest (I'm a 34B and at almost 47, they are still perky). The things I would like to change is the 15 lbs I gained recently due to an injury and a shot of botox wouldn't be unwelcome, but also not necessary.
DeleteI've always felt I was fair-to-middlin, but my belly-button was my one true vanity. My first pregnancy did that puppy in! LOL. My sister's one vanity was her nose, but I envied her thighs.
DeleteI think part of our dismantling of selves also has to do with not seeing our whole selves. Y'know, that whole grass is greener on the other side idea. We see others at a greater distance than we see ourselves. Kind of like my husband's hot rod--it's a five-footer. It looks GREAT at five feet away, but any closer and you notice the little "imperfections." My neighbors yard looks lush and fantastic across the street, but when you stand in it it's as spindly and sparse as mine is.
Yeah, I've thought about this too. However, when I try to compliment people, I always get thoroughly shot down. I'm working on that myself. When someone says something nice, you just say "Thank you! that made my day!"
DeleteI agree...Remember those Dove commercials? With the real women? I did some research on them and wrote an article. Quite fascinating stuff. Don't want to post other people's stuff on your page, but if you're interested, let me know and I'll post a link. (it includes video that made me cry and one I wish all women would see and consider). :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for everything you do to keep that mean little voice in our heads silent. Or at least not to loud!
I've had a really bad problem with this myself, and despite my wonderful, loving, and very supportive husband telling me daily that there was no possible way I could be any more beautiful, I still didn't believe it.
ReplyDeleteOne day he bought a full length mirror and hung it up in our bedroom, he undressed me and told me to look at myself and say out loud what I seen. Any time I would say something negative he would bop my head. Then he said, "Now you have to say something nice about every body part you said something bad about." At first this was a really big struggle, starting with, "well I guess this is ok....." or "I guess this isn't too bad..."
And he made me do it single day. Now I stand in front of the mirror and yell, "Oh look at my sexy giggly tummy!" While shaking my stomach. I don't say it out of spite, I actually, and finally for the first time in my life really feel beautiful. I see my flaws and just don't care! I love my body and who I am, I still get self conscious sometimes, but I always have my husband there to verbally smack some sense into me. I think this is something every woman should try.
good men are hard to find, and it sounds like you found one!! ;) My friend that answers my emails told me that when she complains about herself, her husband (also works for us) always say, "hey! Don't talk about my wife that way!"
DeleteI think "Anonymous" above me has THE BEST HUSBAND in the world. Hold on to him! I hope more women have husbands like this. Mine is wonderful about telling me I'm beautiful when he knows I'm down about a certain thing as well.
ReplyDeleteAgree with the posters above- what comes out of our mouths and what we ACTUALLY think about ourselves are two different things, sadly! No one wants to go around complimenting themselves for fear of seeming vain. It's not viewed as "confidence", but more "Look at her, thinking she's all perfect and crap, I hate her.". So we say negative things, hoping someone will step in and say, no, you're beautiful! I wish it was as acceptable for women to praise themselves as it is to berate themselves. We live in fear, constantly, of being JUDGED- one way, or another.
I have stuff I don't like (I wish women wouldn't say hate) about my body, just as much as the next girl. But I also have things I love about my body and I wouldn't want to be anyone else.
Yeah I"m short and fat. So fat may (or may not) be fixable but short is forever.( well by 53 it is anyway) So I just try to ignore the negative and keep on swimming.
ReplyDeleteHey Michelle, you should really check out the swap group. You're losing customers left and right because the admins are telling (and forcing) the ladies over there to censor their thoughts about your business. (Which is not a great thing to hear coming from people who supposedly support a business that empowers women.)
ReplyDeleteActually Lesley hon you were posting some incredibly negative comments. Additionally you said you don't normally purchase Damsel so I'm unsure why you were replying on that particular thread at all. I had agreed with a few of Pats points but I personally was very surprised at your disagreeable manner and very upset at what you said about Michelle. Please be reminded no one removed you from the group. You threw what was forgive me for this but I don't know how else to put it I guess a musslinging tantrum that had us all pretty speachless and left of your own accord. I did however follow your advice and decided to delete the whole thread after you left and instead forwarded the message to the others I know are her personal friends as that was who the message was directed at. Michelle is more than welcome to join us anytime and has on the photo group but because it tends to cause her stress she usually avoids the fan made pages. I've encouraged her however to have Representative among us if she would like and to inform me Or any of the other Admins immediately if anything she doesn't like is going on. I'm not exactly sure why you are upset possibly you aren't having the greatest day. I know I've been there. If there is a legitimate issue you have with the group other than you want it deleted because no one agreed with you when you called Michelle a rather nasty name please let us know! Michelle I will pm you here shortly to explain.
DeleteAnon, since that's not a group that I started, I'm not able to do anything about it. I left it because it was causing too much stress and depression in my life, and I figured it was more about corsets and trading them, and I didn't WANT to be the one stepping in and trying to "control" it. I DEARLY wish that if people had problems with my company, they would send me an email directly telling me what they need. I try desperately hard to work with people and make sure that they feel loved and appreciated, and a place where everyone vents doesn't actually help anything. They need to vent to me, the only person who can, and WILL help them.
DeleteMegan that's rather ignorant of you to assume Lesley was the only one unhappy with the way that announcement was made today. (And then censored when the admins didn't like the conversation that was happening.) I agree with her though, it made Michelle look like a whiny child and you (as well as the other admins) should perhaps take a look at the way you are portraying "messages from Michelle" in the future.
DeleteAnd Michelle, no one has a problem with you. Don't worry! It's just the way the admins are "delivering your messages". People in the group are getting upset with their apparent power complexes and with the way they are treating you like a supreme leader who no one is allowed to say anything to in the case that they might upset you.
I PROMISE, if we all met in real life, we would not only get along quite well, and NOT say any of the things that end up online, but we would all have good things to say and be able to even come to some good conclusions about how things should be run. You're right, I am a whiny child, and probably deserved every single name that I was called. I'm definitely human, with all the same selfishness, faults, and weaknesses that we're all inflicted with.
DeleteP.S. Megan is a beautiful, intelligent, capable woman, and I won't have anyone speaking ill of her. With blogs, as well as with facebook pages, the administrators do have the right to keep the content within the realms of decency.
I was a bulimic who was also considered underweight for a while. I still hated my body. Now I am 2.5x what I was back then and I don't really hate my body any more than I did when I was thin. I do hate all the people that haven't seen me in years and ask me what happened because I used to be really pretty :(
ReplyDeleteLast night my daughter was taking a picture of me snuggled on the couch with the dog. I was wearing tiny around the house shorts. And I said, don't take a picture when my leg fat is hanging out! And she did anyway. And when I looked at the picture.... my legs looked pretty damn good. Go figure. Perception is a funny thing, isn't it?! :)
ReplyDeleteLOVE that! Aren't kid pictures awesome? I love viewing how they see the world!!!
DeleteIts human nature to want what you don't have, and its human nature not to fully appreciate what you're blessed with. I agree with a lot of the ladies that are saying we tend to speak out more on the negative things than on the positive things, because its true. The true spirit of humility seems to have been replaced by "anti-vanity". Just because you like yourself, doesn't make you vain. As a matter of fact I love to be around people who love and value themselves. I also appreciate beauty, and beauty has little to do with perfection.
ReplyDeleteI have a 4yr old daughter and I already see these little insecurities in her and it horrifies me. I think the best way for us women to stop berating our flaws, especially those that have been through the physical metamorphosis of childbearing, is to see ourselves the way we want our children to look at themselves. I'd hate for my daughter to have the body/self-esteem issues I had growing up. I'd hate for her to see any part of herself as less than perfect, and that line of thinking has led me to love my "non-rack" and boyish figure which was very hard for me to accept all these years. lol
I'm not gonna lie I still wish I was a little more voluptuous, but ya know, I figured it could always be worse. I'm more focused now on keeping myself healthy. I notice that when my body feels good, my mind often follows.
It's funny, I can look at myself naked and love what I see, stretch marks and all. I have them all the way down the inside of my legs, my armpits, my boobs, and the sides of my tummy from gaining 60 lbs in three weeks from shock prednidone treatment for a kidney disease. My stripes are my badges of courage, and so mulch better than a life on dialysis or no life at all.
ReplyDeleteBut then I have to get dressed, and all the extra skin from the rapid gain and loss starts bulging in places. Over my chonies and jeans, out the arm holes of a tank top, and I suddenly can't stand to look in the mirror. Sure I could wear shapeless sack clothing, but that just makes me feel frumpy and ashamed. What's funny is that it's that same skin that makes my corsets look so damn awesome.
I'm trying to find a slutty vampire costume right now that makes me feel sexy, and because of secret entrances and certain dance moves, my damsels just won't work. Everything I put on to show off my collar bones and shoulders (that I do love and make me feel good) sends armpit skin bulging out all over. Nothing in my arsenal of costumes is working. On top of that we have four perfect perky teenagers that I know I cant compete with, but I feel like I at least can contend with.
Part of me just wishes I could go onstage naked, becsuse then I'd feel amazing and I know my confidence could outshine my wobbly bits any day. Until then I may just become the prudent overly covered non-sexy vampire of the bunch.
Why dont you do a body paint? Wear some underwear or a swimsuit if it's a rule, but I think that would look SUUUPER cool and you'd be able to be comfortable, sexy, and obviously confident about it :) or just try those nipple covers and a dramatic skirt! The right accoutrements and you'll be the best vampire on the stage!!
DeleteI was just typing a comment and I'm not sure if the page just refreshed and erased what I wrote, or if it posted what I wrote...
ReplyDeleteI lost 25 pounds and I felt great about myself. Then my boyfriend got a job and we stopped going to the gym, and I've gained all the weight back. I'm definitely overweight. I'm still completely okay with my body... I would LIKE to lose the weight, but it doesn't consume me. I'm just trying to be more healthy and more active, so that I FEEL good. Every day, I'm tired and feel sore and some days I'm hungry constantly and other days I don't get hungry at all. I don't want that feeling anymore. I want to feel good, and I will probably lose weight in my goal of feeling good, and I'll probably feel even better. But if I don't lose weight, I will still feel healthier, and I will be happy.
I'm just one of those rare people, I guess.
I know I have cool parts. My thigh-length hair is amazing and my boobs look great enclosed in anything. I'm poor and a packrat, so I hold on to every dear piece of clothing I have. This leads me to wish upon wish and hope against hope to be able to fit into those clothes that I wore in my teenage college years. I looked so good at 190 lbs and I guess I want to recapture that. I had people interested in me and celebrating my anything goes attitude. Now it feels like people think I've "let myself go" because of that attitude and they still seem to in part respect me for it.
ReplyDeleteI had this one guy harass me while I was working my last junior college job. In addition to attacking me on almost every non physical level, he told me in front of co-workers that I was disgusting the way I showed so much skin and how unprofessional I was. It is something I am still trying to escape from. Whenever I put on my belly dance clothes from when I could dance (my health issues prevent me from doing more than a minute or two of dancing now) I hear his snide and hurtful words, but in the voices of people I care about. How f-ed up is that?! I now only wear them in public if I am at an SCA event and not planning on going near the royals.
I am ashamed to be seen in my tanktops (pretty much the only thing I wear for health and comfort reasons) because I just know everyone is harshly judging my skin and my fat and my slumped posture. When I explain my health issues to people they say it's because I'm so heavy and I would be so much better if I would just exercise and lose the weight that was causing me so much pain. I can honestly say that after losing some weight I don't feel any different health wise.
I know I was born to be tall and thick. On one level I am so okay with that, and I have owned that fact since I was young. The tall really helps people not see me for how big I am (I get that shocked "You don't look like you are 230 lbs!" reaction). But on the level where I interact with the public, or even my Snuggles (who happens to think I'm the bees knees and tells me all day, everyday how beautiful he thinks I am) I just know I am not good enough and that they could plug anything else in where I was standing and be just as happy or happier talking to an old tractor that had the same personality as me. And my health has also taken an inch and a half of my height away. So I have gained width and lost height and I no longer feel like a cuddly Amazon (in my head that is not an oxymoron). I feel like an incompetent sandwich baggie of mashed potatoes.
But your corsets give me a huge confidence boost. Even now, when I cannot actually wear them with the best effect because I have lost some of the weight (they used to say "You don't look like you're 255 lbs!"). They flare out away from my hips and wrinkle around my middle. When we get work again and can pay rent with some left over, you know you will be seeing all 5 of my full length corsets for alterations and perhaps by then I will have whittled down to that 35 you put me in at Faeriecon. Even so, I feel amazing in the corsets and it helps shut down the hateful words that my head is screaming at me.
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing, this was very open and honest, and I appreciate it dearly!
Delete"Take a moment, step out of the shower, look at the body you've been given, and silence every single thing that is negative. I know it's an uphill battle, but just give it a shot."
ReplyDeleteThis. So much this. I had really bad self-esteem as a kid into my teenage years from teasing and bullying, and as part of my rebuilding process, I did something similar. Every time you see yourself in the mirror, say to yourself, "Hey beautiful," or "Hiya sexy," or "Damn that's a good looking girl!" Anything along those lines, telling yourself that you're a beautiful person, either out loud or in your head.
It feels silly as all get out at first, and for a while the only reason I kept doing it was because it was nice to hear it from at least one person, even if it was only myself. Then one day as I was going through my morning routine, I saw myself in the mirror, and honestly realized, "Hey, I AM a beautiful woman!" It's been at least a decade since I started doing that, and even today I still look in the mirror and occasionally remind myself how pretty I am. Sure it's nice to hear it from other people, and I always appreciate the compliments I get, but I don't have to depend on hearing it from other people any more, and THAT is truly liberating!
I love this. I need to be reminded often that I would NEVER speak to anyone else the way that I speak to myself.
ReplyDeleteIf anyone else called me ugly or fat I would want to fight or run and hide. Why then is it okay to have that dialogue with myself?
I was looking thru old pictures with my son and he asked why there was only one picture of when he was "in my tummy"... It made me sad.. it made me realize that I need to get in there and speak as softly to myself as I would to others.. I need to have my picture made with my family...
I need to love myself as much as I love others!
thanks Michelle..
and to the naysayers... didn't your Momma teach you if you can't say anything nice not to say anything at all??
I don't think I ever really felt beautiful until I discovered corsetry. A pretty rotten childhood left me riddled with insecurities and a fair bit of self doubt. I thought I was plain, with bad skin and no curves and possibly a poodle in a past life if my hair was anything to go by. But I learned how to handle my skin and hair and put on my first corset.
ReplyDeleteSix or so years later (and about 50 lbs heavier), I can say honestly I have fantastic curves. I may struggle with my large-ish thighs and accompanying tiger stripes, but I love my big hips and bum. My tummy isn't quite flat, but that is an unreasonable standard to hold myself to and my fiance loves the softness.
And I love that I can put on one of your corsets and all of those remaining nagging voices immediately find themselves saying "Dang, you look good!" You have become part of my feel good routine. You Rock.
Side note: the stagecoach I am wearing at work today is an office favorite and I feel incredibly feminine and pretty flouncing about in it.
"Take a moment, step out of the shower, look at the body you've been given, and silence every single thing that is negative. I know it's an uphill battle, but just give it a shot."
ReplyDeleteI've been going through life lately with this...hate of myself I can't even explain. A serious hate.
And then numbness, I haven't looked at myself in the mirror for more than a few minutes. I embarass myself. I realized I was looking at myself and HATED myself.
What is wrong with us when we do that to ourselves?
No, I've never been thin. But we always have a time where we 'looked' back at SOMETHING of ours and said "I wish I had known what I had then." I look at pictures of me from about 5 years ago and I didn't hate myself then, but I wasn't happy.
I would give a finger to be that size again, and that level of happiness in my head. I wasn't perfect, but at least I wasn't berating myself every minute I catch a glimpse of myself.
The reason I say anything is your comment - it made me cry. And it made me realize something...I have to stop hating myself, because on top of it all, that is making it all worse.
Wehther we have health problems, or not - there is something seriously wrong with us hating ourselves so much.
I wanted you to know how much your post impacted me. And I hope that even if I can't take it to heart yet, you've triggered something positive. It doesn't feel good right now, but I wish you could understand how much your comment MEANT.
I've got a closet full of your things, and I hope that someday soon, I can put them on an dbe happy again. Because your clothes used to make me feel like that last bit I was missing was finally there. You inspire confidence...you inspire a lot of us.
Thank you for putting your thoughts out there, because you do impact a lot of us. And your positive thoughts, your HONEST thoughts (even when you are telling yourself to stop the negative), are impacting so many of us.
I wish I could say what I mean, and this doesn't feel like I'm saying it right - but thank you.
Truly.
Thanks for sharing this with us and giving us all the information. I think everyone tries to get a cheaper insurance if possible. That is one of the fixed cost which people find it expensive.
ReplyDeletesteve jobs 10 commandments | dissatisfaction at work