The Bridge

         I had a serious internal war in  my brain today. Okay, I'm most likely still having it, which is why I'm  hiding out down in my basement madly pounding away at the keyboard and looking at paleo desserts on pinterest. Alas. 

         I have big dreams. They're so big that they scare the junk out of me, and I have to re-pump myself up every single day to even be able to take the first step toward them. I know in my depths of my aorta that I'm destined for something GREAT, but in my efforts to try and cross the chasm over to sweet victory, I feel that I may be missing a few crucial structures.  See the bridge in the picture above? It towers over where the Portland Pirate Festival was held, and when I first saw it in the dusty light of morning, after an 18 hour, all-night drive from Utah, it took my breath away! It's the color of green that only history can produce. It's glorious arches are majestic and awe-inspiring. THIS is the kind of bridge that not only helps you to cross over to your destination, it transports and transforms you when you cross it!   I know that if I am going to achieve my goals, I need to build a bridge like this to be able to fulfill my destiny and rise above all of the distractions, disappointments, setbacks, fears, and catastrophies. 

     Here's the deal, though. What if I'm building this bridge (below)? That's sort of what it feels like. I'll have these AMAZING, mind-blowing, stunned silence, then slow-clap type of goals....I will build a few pieces of the bridge to my destiny, and then I'll fall into one of my own holes. 

    I'm a self-help junkie. I constantly shove positive, "You can do this!" type of junk into the maw of my brain, and I apparently masticate it viciously, but never actually swallow. I love pretending to be an upbeat person that can manifest goodness into their life. And heck, maybe I actually AM that kind of person if I'm pretending this hard.   My basic problem of  late is that I just feel like an absolute hypocrite.  I'm not talking the talk, and walking the walk. More like "complaining the mumbling" and "dragging the sauntering.." 

         I listen to all of these great podcasts (I can't possibly recommend Lewis Howes' "School of Greatness" enough! He has an amazing personal story, sensational guests, and he's pretty easy on the eyes.) every single day while I work with my crew (who I'm incredibly grateful for. ESPECIALLY for the fact that they're okay with listening to such a profusion of zealous self-helpery!).  I will feel motivated, energized, and feel like I have a plan!  I will write down huge goals, commit to them, figure out a plan of action, and carefully visualize how it will taste, feel, smell, and look to get them! 

        Most days, I can listen to Britney Spear's "Work, Bitch" song, fix my makeup, say a prayer, and explode into my objectives with the zest of a thousand pepper grinders, but on days like today, I wake up, and instantly, there is a giant block of cement sitting on my chest. For every thought that is vaguely hopeful in my brain, there is a literal army of negative thoughts that rush in with their weapons flailing.   "Michelle, if you have these amazing goals that you wrote down, have you achieved any of them.....ANY???"  Well...uh....not exactly....but......" Michelle, if you KNOW that you can manifest a great life for yourself and that you attract the same type of things into your life as you put OUT, why aren't you better than you are NOW???" 

         I'll sit there with these really real questions in my brain. Wow, that crazy, mean Satanic voice is RIGHT! I'm making goals, and I'm working harder than I ever have in my life, but am I actually reaching the NUMBERS AND DATES? No.   I actually do believe that whatever kind of energy I put out INTO the universe is the same kind that I will get back. If this is the case, why do I have any unhappy customers at all? Why do I have such bad lower back problems in my spine that I'm having a hard time moving? Why are my kids fighting? Why have I been stuck at 165 pounds for 11 months, even after hiring a health coach, overhauling my whole entire diet, and cutting out all sugar, wheat, soy, and bad fats?   Is THIS the energy that I'm putting out there?????? Holy night!! I thought that I was putting out the kind of energy that was like, "I love my life. I love my customers. I want to serve them. I want to serve other people. I want to do something greater than myself. I want to use all of my money for the good of mankind. I want to get rid of all of my possessions that aren't serving me. I want to love more deeply every day. I want to help others achieve their greatest dreams. I want to  help women feel beautiful and powerful"  Shouldn't THAT energy make some serious crap happen???????

Largest I've been to the thinnest I've been. I constantly tell my customers to love their body at any weight and every weight, and speak loving, grateful words to it......but do I do this? Nope, and nope. Easier said that done. 

        On another level. I absolutely know how good it is to be grateful for things. I'm so, SO grateful, and I start every day with a gratitude prayer, and end every night with a gratitude supplication to the heavens. I feel like by now I should have crushed every single bad or negative thing with my super-human powers of gratitude. Yet, on days like today, I'll think about how sweetly thankful I am for the things in my life, and immediately a wretched thought will rush in like, "Yeah, but how long will you have these things? You had better enjoy them while you can. Nothing lasts forever."

       I promise, these crazy thoughts can't possibly come from my own brain. I'm not sure I'm that creative or smart. These thoughts are REALLY impressive. 

 

         I am not exactly sure where I'm going with this, and I'm half tempted to delete the whole dang thing. I know that lots of times, when we focus on the negative things, and when we tell ourselves "stories" like, "I always......I never......I can't......I won't.......Why can't.....", these stories get lodged in our subconscious and they become the very reality we live. 

         I suppose I'm here to say that even though  today kicked me repeatedly in the shins, and challenged all of the beliefs I have, I WILL still keep building the bridge to my goals.  I know that when I build others up and help them get to where they need to be, it automatically throws me into their faster-driving vehicles, and we all move forward at a higher rate. 

       I am choosing now to throw the negativity and doubt I feel back into the pit from whence it came! I can let go of the disappointments and criticisms I have gotten from other people as well as myself. 

      I am also choosing to go up and eat one of those paleo desserts that I was looking at on pinterest. Phew. Yes, this is what my brain is always like forever.