I never posted this blog....because it was real dang depressing.

So, when I am so pent up full of negative energy, usually I blast out words into whatever space I have. I get the words out of me onto whatever medium is in front of me, be it a computer, a phone, or a notebook. As such, there is a lot of things that I started out as a blog post, and then could not bring myself to finish, because when I read it, I thought, "This came from a deeply negative place of lack and jealousy and hopelessness, and I DO NOT want to spread more of that out into the world." 

Anyhow, I am pulling this blog post back out, even though it was written back in February. I'm going to soothe my former self by talking to her from a better perspective that I have now. I'm really grateful that I wrote this negative thing, because I honestly hadn't remembered being that...well...pissed off. 

Anyhow, the CURRENT me that is soothing and consoling will all be highlighted in a nice, girly pink color. The original stuff is just left as is. Hopefully this will help any of you who are in a negative, stuck space. 

And so, we begin. 

        Huh.....You know, I'm super grateful for motivational things. I'm a junkie. I have to consume a WHOLE lot of happyhappyjoyjoy type of information to help counter-balance the crazy crap that would otherwise play in  my brain like a power song from the 80s on a never-ending loop. (This week, I have had "We Built this City on Rock and Roll" in my head for about 95% of every day.)

*I must have been an 80's radio DJ in some former life....the only problem  is that I was born in the 80s....so my past life wasn't that far from my current one! ;) 

     All the same...is there some broken part of me that wants to use sarcasm as a deflection shield against too positive of things?  Yes, Michelle. It's a real thing. When you see someone that is on a different level than you, there is that huge gap between where you are currently (which will pass) and where that person "seems" to be in their life. The disparity CAN be used as a tool. You can say "Oh, see that awesome over there? More of that, please? Start focusing on loving, loving, loving, and you can start taking small steps up to where that feeling is that you want!!  I know a woman who is so good looking and flawless that it makes me want to hide in a corner and suck my thumb. Granted, she has worked her rear off for it, blah, blah, blah, and somehow Pinterest decided that I would like to follow her since she was one of my facebook friends, and so I've been getting all of the pins that are her fitness inspirations.  *Well...future Michelle is struggling with this about....50% less. I'm working on being happy for other people in my brain. If I can't be happy for people's successes, how could other people be expected to be happy for my own?   Now, the "fitspo" thing itself is actually really interesting, because apparently it's linked to a plethora of eating disorders and leads you down a dark tunnel of "thinspo". Holy night. I don't have the time, education or mental stamina to even touch this subject. Suffice it to say, you can really jack up your brain looking at photographs.  But....see, that's the thing. Maybe these "sweat hard and ponytails" type of mantras and memes work?? Like....does this beautiful woman I know read one of these and think, "Hecks yeah! I'm going to leap out of my chair and do 500 burpees right now because I'm hot and the harder the pain, the better the gain!!"???
*I've talked to my brother about this since. He is a wonderful inspiration for me, and he has a facebook video he posted this year where he bench-pressed 405 pounds!! Twice!!! He said that every personality works differently with motivation. What totally pumps some up will make others not get out of bed. It's important to follow what works for you and pay attention to how you feel and what you accomplish afterwards! Thanks, Dana, you beautiful bearded man!!

          I hate to say it, but this  up there is probably the reality of how my brain sounds about 75% of the time. *I love you, Michelle from February 2017. I love that you went and found a blob fish to make your own demotivational poster. You are freaking hilarious, and I can see that more and more now!  I have been trying my guts out to change how it sounds, but that voice is  just...um....really loud and persuasive.   *I am just going to step in here and say "Thank GOODNESS I got a coach. I put off getting a business/life coach for years. When I first heard the term, I rolled my eyes and made fun of anyone who would ever get a "life coach". Well....about 6 months in, I'm feeling better than I have in a long, long time. I have doubled my income, I have knocked out 3 huge goals that I've had sitting on my brain for 10 years, and I got them done in the last 3 months....hmm....Anyhow, my amazing, wonderful coach Amy http://divineunlimitedpossibilities.com/index.php/tag/amy-anfinson/  told me that the negative voice "seems" to be louder because I've been listening to it more. It's like if you had only listened to a certain political view for your whole life. When you hear the other side, you are so uncomfortable that you feel rage! It's similar with negative voices. You might be used to them, and when someone says, "You are worthy and you are capable of anything" it might make you want to troll that positive voice on the internet and compare it to Hitler!   Let me  just put in another plug for Amy here. I spent about a year and a half saying "No, I don't need any help. I am doing this all on my own!" while I watched my oldest brother go from making $40,000 a year to $250,000 the next year while he was using her as a coach. Basically, look at any successful person out there, and I can guarantee you, they had a really good mentor. Thanks, Amy!! 

When I hear OTHER people talk like this, I usually throw a fit and tell them how spectacular they are. If my sister is having a day where she feels worthless, the explosion of passion that I feel to the contrary is potent indeed. In my brain, suddenly this voice comes out of nowhere and has all of these sensational, heartfelt, pure-love-buzz things that I want to shout from the mountaintops! "What? Look at you! You're so intelligent, witty, talented, consistent, loyal, warm!! You are so beautiful to me that I cry when I think of you, because I love you SOOO much!"   Yet, that voice just hasn't been good at coming out of the woodwork when I personally need it.   *Once again, it's about whatever "station" you are tuned into. Just because you are sitting there, watching this reality unfold in your brain on one channel DOESN'T mean that there isn't thousands of other channels available and happening at the same time. Just because you're watching "Modern Family" doesn't mean that "Keeping up with the Kardashians" doesn't exist!! (although, that is a beautiful reality, right there....) You can "tune in" to any reality and narration you want. You created and rehearsed this "story" of how your life is, and you can write another story and listen to that!

        That's probably 99% of the reason I just haven't been able to even write in my Damsel in this Dress blog for about the past year. My brain sounded so depressing that I thought, "Oh my heck, there is enough drama and depressing crap on the internet without me adding to it!" What the world needs now....is love, sweet love.

        So, here. Some love. But, by golly, I just look at inspirational stuff like this and want to.....I don't know....troll it on the internet! (that was the worst thing I could think of to do at this hour in the morning.)  *Huh...funny, I mentioned "trolling things on the internet up there as well. I must still be sensitive to it! ;) I look at "before and after" type pictures and roll my eyes. *Which is great. I am literally WRITING a BEFORE & AFTER blog. Nice, Nice.  I read inspirational stories about startups that turned around and sold their company for millions of dollars a couple of years later. All of that stuff seems so static. It's fairy tales. It's stuff that happens to "those" type of people....not to me. *Which is totally great, because you just posted PROUDLY about what fairy tale type of crap happened to  you later this very same year!!  Good job, Michelle!! 


Back to just me. I'm hoping that this back and forth between the past me and the current me has been helpful! This was a real blog post that I found this morning and I had totally forgotten about it! I'm just wanting to PROVE that when you change your thoughts, you change your life. I've always been a little scared to share the fact that I'm really successful with people. I was worried they would want to drag me down. Yeah, I had some people that wanted to drag me down, but guess what's awesome? The "block" person button on facebook.  :D  However, the success has ONLY come because of some major lows and some real freaking dark stuff. I'm so grateful for the contrasts of my life! They make the good times sweeter, better, and more palpable! 

And, one more time. If you need help, get a mentor. Get a coach. Reach UP. Stop reaching down. The answers you need aren't down there. They are up. I love you all. I love my past self. I love my current self. I love my future self.