Well, Profanity. Now, I have no excuses for being overly emotional and moody. You see, I've been blaming these things on my weight and body image for the last several years. I started out as a pretty hot girl when I was married....certainly not skinny, but not chunky. I gave birth to a crazy little mini-version of me 9 months and 20 minutes later, and then promptly got pregnant again 7 months after that (I called my husband and bawled for 2 hours about how much I didn't want to have another kid and how it wasn't fair that he had seduced me when I wasn't prepared.) As you can imagine, these things took a toll on my body, as well as the fact that I love to cook, bake, and fondle all manner of food. So, I spent the next 4 years promising myself that I would be COMPLETELY happy and satisfied if I just lost 30 pounds. I wouldn't be back to my high school self, but at least I wouldn't have my well-meaning customers complimenting me on having a "plus size" model (or...me in corsets) on my website. (It was one of those staggering moments of truth...sort of like seeing a picture of yourself or stepping on the scale. Bleh.) Anyhow, I managed to lose about 27 pounds, so I'm pretty much to my goal....the only problem is that I still look in the mirror, and see exactly the same flaws as I saw before (see picture above.) I honestly thought that once I lost weight, I would suddenly change into this completely confident gutsy woman that WOULDN'T compare herself to other girls (mostly airbrushed ones) and always come up short. And it's REALLY really idiotic, because there's no reason that I should have this mindset.
I've been endeavoring to brainwash myself into a more positive emotional realm. I decided that perhaps if I made some kind of promise or "peace treaty" with my body, then perhaps I could work my way into the kind of girl that could do a strip-tease for her husband (Holy FACE, what a horrific thought). I surmised that perhaps I could look at my legs and be GRATEFUL that they work well and function properly, rather than looking at them and cursing at them in my head for all of their transgressions!)
I feel bad, because I constantly preach to my customers about appreciating all of their amazing physical attributes, and finding the part of their body that they LOVE, and playing it up. When I hear girls complain about their bodies, I always chastise them thoroughly and tell them that I'm going to either smack them or lace their corset so tight that it punctures their spleen. Yet, here I am, just like one of my customers....filled with all this PROFUSE shameful self-doubt. From the moment I started making corsets, I knew that I wanted to make this into a journey for myself. I wanted to see what heights I could climb to, and what people I could connect to, but I have been intensely interested in pushing the limits of all of these female body image prisons and seeing if I couldn't bend a few iron bars.
About a year back, I was working my REAR off trying to lose weight, and I thought all day long about my body and how much I hated it and how hungry I was and when my next meal would be. One of my good friends called me to touch base, and I was telling her about working out for an hour a day and trying desperately to eat all of that "fun" diet food, and how I wasn't making any progress and I was irate at my body. She said, "Michelle, why would your body do what you want if you are FIGHTING against it? Maybe if you and your body were on the same side and you were working together, you could do what you need to." She had a really good point. I was completely at war, which is where the idea of a "peace treaty" came about.
So, I'm asking all of you to make some kind of peace treaty with your body. If that means that you tell your body that you love it and purchase a corset for it, then so be it. ;) I'm going to work on this too, and let's see if we can change the world.