OH, the PAIN

I have never broken up with a boy in my life. I was always the breakee, being told encouraging, but firm messages like "You're a great girl, just not the one for me." "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." I suppose that having a strong personality and an Austen sense of romance can obliterate nearly any shallow high school relationship. Oh, plus I wasn't going to have sex with them, which then took any of my chances with men and squished them like a cockroach. I still tried, desperately, believing that there must me a man out there somewhere who wasn't terrified of me. However, by the time I was 18, I feel that I was pretty much a pro at being rejected, having my heart shattered, writing extensive aching love songs about it. Oh, the hammered and fraying Mead spiral notebooks that possessed the depths of my stinging soul!

I know for a fact that God sent me Tyler because he knew that I would be a bitter old maid at the ripe age of 18 1/2. The difference here is that I met someone who was ready for marriage, which is what I had been ready for since age 4. Not to say that Tyler wasn't a little bit wary at first, because I'm a very passionate person who can fall in love in 10 seconds flat. He worried that I fell in love with all men that quickly, and that he wasn't any exception. Oh, boy, is he the exception!

I'm not one of those people that needs to "find themself" or is "confused about how they feel". Those sentiments don't even compute in my brain. I see something, and I go for it. I know how I feel instantly, and I arrange my actions accordingly. How can anyone POSSIBLY not know how they feel??? It takes like two seconds. "Hmm...this man makes me feel alive and wanted and cherished. He understands my hopes and dreams, my aches and woes, my physical and emotional needs. Do I love him? Yes." Easy as pie. Although..actually, pie is not that easy. Hmm....easy as ramen noodles.

Okay, so now that we've established that I fell ardently in love and got married, we should assume that the pangs of rejection haven't plucked the strings of my inner harp. Yes, I don't get rejected for much. Wanted to have kids? Got two. Wanted to start my own business? Now I'm kicking butt at making corsets along with my husband. I'm a hard worker, and I believe almost anything is impossible if you've got the inner drive.

Last night after shooting off a few measly fireworks with family, and going through about 35 boxes of sparklers, we went to check our mailbox, having forgotten to get the mail earlier in the day. There was one letter, addressed to me, so Tyler handed it over. I looked at the envelope and saw that it was from the SteamCon in Seattle that I had applied for. My heart leaped a little and I thought, "Swell! I can start designing more steampunk corsets to take to this thing in November. I cannot wait!!" I hurriedly ripped it open, and my brow creased as the check for payment of the booth space fell out. What the...., and then I read the very polite rejection letter telling me that there were "many wonderful applicants" but "just not enough space for them all". OOOh, ouch. And WHAT THE DEVIL! We make the coolest steampunk corsets ever! And on their website, they state that they have twice the amount of space they had last year.... OH, it's like the faces of every boy that ever successfully got rid of me are looming over me, all holding identical letters to this one and shaking them in my face as they laugh. I've got a hard pit in the center of my stomach that is not at all different from the hardened and grotesque knot of heartbreak. I'm just depressed. I'm so spoiled with fulfilling my dreams as a result of hard work and determination that when I DON'T get something that I tried for, I feel like I must be a failure or something.

Whew, so I'm trying to decide whether or not I should let it roll of my shoulders or if I should make up the most amazing and professional looking application of all time and confidently apply for a place at NEXT year's show. Oooooh, but then I would get a letter that says, "Please, Michelle! We love you, but we are not IN love with you." "You are a great girl, but......"