I have tried affirmations, but I'm such a dang non-conformist, that I think I'll be able to "trick" my brain...or like....use reverse psychology on myself. I don't even know if I can possibly explain the complexity of this, but it goes something like this. I will repeat really positive affirmations about myself to trick my brain into feeling better and NOT going into "fight or flight" mode, and THEN when my brain least expects it, BAM!!!, I'll be all like, "Ha! You were feeling ALL GOOD about feeling good, but I TRICKED YOU! You're still a piece of junk!"
Remember my love for self-help books? I really do keep trying to find the answer...pouring through literally hundreds of super upbeat, promising, catchy tomes....the more I search, the deeper the answer gets buried inside of me. The more "advice" people give when I try to explain what I'm going through, the less I trust myself and my intuition.
It DID occur to me that I don't actually have a concrete problem. I mean...."starving children in China" and "Well, at least you're not BOB! Did you hear about how he just got his elbows chopped off, his wife left him, he lost his job, and he is now Celiac? You COULD be Bob! Stop complaining!!!"
Instead, I'm in a habit loop of waking up in the morning and just feeling this sudden dread hit me. I'm honest-to-goodness SCARED of all of these negative thoughts that seem to come from nowhere. Once again....I don't think I need advice. I have an awesome support group, people who love me, a thirst for knowledge and self-healing......I really wonder if I'm just like everyone else....scared to love myself......because a "me" who loves me and doesn't listen to fear and negativity is SUCH A VIOLENT FORCE that there is no stopping me. I'm endlessly powerful and capable of greatness. Truly.
However, it's so much EASIER and more gooey, fudgy, yummy to be pissed off at myself, my perceived problems (really, Michelle....REALLY, you're like every other woman in America and you "need to lose weight" because you're flawed how you are? Wow....real original. At least go for something non-conformist!!! ;) and especially other people. I actively create my own problems. It's so much more fun to create corsets, but instead I'll log onto facebook to see what crazy junk is happening.
Holy crap, this was a downer. Uh.....let me draw something happy for people to be happy.
Moral of the story? We truly do create our own lives, realities, perspectives, and "ups" and "downs". I'm creating this one....and oddly enough, I'm giving it a CRAPLOAD of power by putting it on the internet! Doh! (I do enjoy a good irony.) By focusing on what we DO want, instead of all of the things that we DON'T want, we can create a much more pleasant, love-filled, joyous life. I keep reminding myself (gently, this time), "Michelle, the more you focus on the events, situations and people that you don't like, the MORE OF THEM YOU'LL GET! That is simply how it works. I notice it everywhere.
One good note? I WAS telling myself that I should just quit my blog because I spend do much time guilt-tripping myself for not keeping it up better.....but guess what? Today, I focused all of my mental energy on how much I LOVE writing, and how it is for myself, and not for anyone else..and guess what? Here I am...writing and doing what I love!!!!!! I feel better already. Now to go and get some of that "make you thinner" chocolate happening in my life.