Monday, April 27, 2015

Feeding the Beast?

        Holy night. I've had a hard time in my brain lately.  I'm in some kind of crazy-pants self-punishment loop where I will first start off trying to MAKE myself feel awesome about myself, but then I'll see what I perceive as a blatant weakness, or I'll receive criticism, and then it just sits and festers in my brain, and I think, "Holy crap, I'm such a loser. I'll never be able to change." and then I'll think, "Michelle, you absolutely KNOW better than that, and it's not the truth that you're a loser. What an IDIOT you are for even THINKING that!!!"   What...in..the....?
       I have tried affirmations, but I'm such a dang non-conformist, that I think I'll be able to "trick" my brain...or like....use reverse psychology on myself. I don't even know if I can possibly explain the complexity of this, but it goes something like this. I will repeat really positive affirmations about myself to trick my brain into feeling better and NOT going into "fight or flight" mode, and THEN when my brain least expects it, BAM!!!, I'll be all like, "Ha! You were feeling ALL GOOD about feeling good, but I TRICKED YOU! You're still a piece of junk!"
         So, basically, I view myself as a really negative person, and a negative force, because I can HEAR the thoughts in my brain, and they're so dang loud that I figure everyone must hear them and see me for what I am. I feel frustrated, because I DON'T want to be a negative person, and so I beat myself up in a negative way for not being a better person.
         Remember my love for self-help books? I really do keep trying to find the answer...pouring through literally hundreds  of super upbeat, promising, catchy tomes....the more I search, the deeper the answer gets buried inside of me.  The more "advice" people give when I try to explain what I'm going through, the less I trust myself and my intuition.
         It DID occur to me that I don't actually have a concrete problem. I mean...."starving children in China"  and "Well, at least you're not BOB! Did you hear about how he just got his elbows chopped off,  his wife left him, he lost his job, and he is now Celiac? You COULD be Bob! Stop complaining!!!"
             It also occurred to me VERY STRONGLY (I might add) that when I think about my problems and what I don't want...I literally feed them. I grow them. I snuggle them and make sure they're all safe and warm inside  my comfort zone, along with my indulgent negative thoughts about myself and others.  For instance, when I think, "Oh my gosh, running a company is so hard because there is SOOO much to do, and I've got my family and my employee's families to feed and take care of, and this one lady said this one negative thing online and my whole world is going to crumble and my corset company will be a thing of the past because it's all so hard and I just need to lose that damn 20 pounds"   I PERPETUATE all of those realities, and because they're in my brain constantly, I don't allow myself to experience other realities! For instance, instead of focusing on one lady who was super rude to me that day, I could focus on all of the people in the whole wide world who WEREN'T having a poopy experience that they needed to take out on someone else. Holy night, I could even focus on how BLESSED I am, and how I'm in a situation to HELP this lady have a less crappy day by the way that I speak with her, and how I focus on fixing her needs.
          Instead, I'm in a habit loop of waking up in the morning and just feeling this sudden dread hit me. I'm honest-to-goodness SCARED of all of these negative thoughts that seem to come from nowhere.  Once again....I don't think I need advice. I have an awesome support group, people who love me, a thirst for knowledge and self-healing......I really wonder if I'm just like everyone else....scared to love myself......because a "me" who loves me and doesn't listen to fear and negativity is SUCH A VIOLENT FORCE that there is no stopping me. I'm endlessly powerful and capable of greatness. Truly.
          However, it's so much EASIER and more gooey, fudgy, yummy to be pissed off at myself, my perceived problems (really, Michelle....REALLY, you're like every other woman in America and you "need to lose weight" because you're flawed how you are? Wow....real original. At least go for something non-conformist!!! ;)  and especially other people. I actively create my own problems.  It's so much more fun to create corsets, but instead I'll log onto facebook to see what crazy junk is happening.
          Holy crap, this was a downer. Uh.....let me draw something happy for people to be happy.
         Moral of the story? We truly do create our own lives, realities, perspectives, and "ups" and "downs".  I'm creating this one....and oddly enough, I'm giving it a CRAPLOAD of power by putting it on the internet! Doh! (I do enjoy a good irony.)  By focusing on what we DO want, instead of all of the things that we DON'T want, we can create a much more pleasant, love-filled, joyous life. I keep reminding myself (gently, this time), "Michelle, the more you focus on the events, situations and people that you don't like, the MORE OF THEM YOU'LL GET!  That is simply how it works. I notice it everywhere.  
        One good note? I WAS telling myself that I should just quit my blog because I spend do much time guilt-tripping myself for not keeping it up better.....but guess what? Today, I focused all of my mental energy on how much I LOVE writing, and how it is for myself, and not for anyone else..and guess what? Here I am...writing and doing what I love!!!!!!  I feel better already.  Now to go and get some of that "make you thinner" chocolate happening in my life. 

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